Untitled

UNTITLED

First published in "The Stephanian" 2008

It is a tale
that began the night
the temperature was to dip to zero,
when under the shade of the stars
many, we talked for hours two
when under tall deodars
I first spoke out
and patiently You heard,
and acquiesced

when winds from the Caucasus
cocooned us around
barren freezing streets
uttered barely a sound

still, music there was in the air
that we only heard
a few late chrysanthemums
we alone saw
the smell of the Night-princess[1]
came only to us
as watery winter vapours in
the air we two licked
and together felt the warmth
of our own little bliss.





When each night
in my room, at my desk
I sat to write,
looking at You
in the bed
not pearly white
but with a dusky beauty
all Your own,
I conceived conceits
really stolen from You
that you unawares
lent out to me
making me pregnant, when
You had refused to be.





Your each affectation,
Your gurgling laugh,
inarticulate sounds,
the orange kurta you had on,
your sleepy face in the mornings
in Your urgent causes-the delight
You took, in equating
men, cats and mice.





Days when you would
not talk to me
You atheist, I religious
You Feminist, this F-word
I never endorsed.





Moments
when at me, You confidently smiled
as I shyly dared look
into your deep eyes
as we shared our stories
of Your childhood delights,
of ducks and Disney’s
of my Dad’s demise
of the new play in town,
of Your growing renown.





There were also the nights
When You dragged me to bed,
Away from my dear inkpot and the rest
and You were creative
and You explored
new vistas of art, knowledge
Love and more.





But tonight was the night
when I looked up from my text
found the bed empty
and called out Your name
and called it out again and again
You were not in the house
not the terrace, the lawns
as I reached the kitchen
it looked all forlorn
as if you hadn’t been there
for some time;

but you were there with me
when I last rhymed
and you had always been
there with me, in my
writings- as my kin
my very soul, my sight,
from You my rantings
had so much imbibed.





But where were You now
as I looked up and called?
our house not as it had been
since the first day You had moved in,
You were as clean as I was dirty,
You’d even got ME to wash,
pushed me in the shower,
kept a naughty watch.





But where were you now
O my creative muse?
as I go back in time my thoughts confuse,

What had indeed happened on that night?
when it had been cold enough
to fear frost-bite
when I had spoken out, and so had You,
what were Your words?
I cannot now hear,
I see your lips moving
minus any sound,
do you turn back then,
and go back inside?
as I stood in the snow
waiting for it or for you
to abide.

I now think the poem should end here, though it has been pubslished in the Stephanian with the following stanzas that now seem redundant in a tautological manner.



But then,
how is it,
that You were there
all the time
always there when I wrote,
having kept Your work aside,
You had sat with me
or in front of me lain
I could see your toe-ring
On your dangling leg
Your breast’s rising and falling.





It just can’t be true
-what they all say
that these walls are not my house
I haven’t been there,
for years now,
that you were indeed
never there,
but for my mind…

I AM NOT MAD
They all speak false,

I just know
realities,
(that they don’t),
of a fairer kind.





5:46 AM 2 Feb 2008
[1] I have used a translation of my own for a jasmine like flower called “raat ki rani” in Hindustani that exudes an overwhelming and very pleasant fragrance at night. I found the Hindi name expressive and poetic enough not to ignore.